Given the open-ended nature of this blog, I was a little unsure where to start. Do I write a story? How about poetry? Or should I discuss a contemporary issue? And then arose issues of pacing. Was jumping straight into things best, or was easing in the better choice? Which then brought forth the question of what either path looked like in practice. Each thought made the next more daunting until I began wondering why I wanted to do this in the first place. At this moment, the best course of action dawned on me. Is it original? No. Interesting? Maybe. But it's an idea, which was better than no idea.
So why am I doing this? Am I looking for some form of approval from strangers? I've almost always written in private, with the largest audience being close friends and the occasional instructor. Legacy is a lofty word that implies an ego-driven streak but it's been troubling me a lot. For me, the meaning is literal. It's not so much that I want people to look at something I created and admire it. It's that I want someone to be able to do that, even if they never do. I think everyone should have some product or outlet to be remembered by.
The second concept that keeps me up lately is identity, and especially the lack of it. I just turned 23 and I'm pretty sure my quarter-life crisis is here. I have little idea who I am and who I belong with, if anyone. I'm trans, but I struggle to connect with transfem spaces. I love listening to, playing, and writing music, but am too ignorant to take part in nuanced artistic discussion. I feel cursed to inhabit the valley of despair in any subculture I technically take part in. Originality and distinctiveness are things I crave but elude me. Even this page was constructed via template. When I look in the mirror, I see a sillouhette, not a person. Are these real problems or just internal hangups? Probably both, which is why this little page might help discover myself. Even if no one sees it, I just might be able to paint over that sillouhette. Oh, also the Lunacid OST is a banger (I've been listening to it while writing).
Anyway, I have no idea how consistently I'll be using this blog, but hopefully at least one of us gets something out of it. Sleep well and take care :)